I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
