I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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