Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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