remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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