So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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