just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize