happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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