My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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