i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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