no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
