I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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