You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
