I just saw a hot homeless man
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
