it was like his penis was on wheels.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
