She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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