Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
