All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
