the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I came so hard my ears popped.
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