I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
