I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
