he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
