Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
