I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
