How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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