It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
