I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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