Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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