I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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