My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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