It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So vagazzling was a success
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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