In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
