I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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