maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
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You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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