It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
