I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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