you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
