I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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