Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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