You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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