That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
