I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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