i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
