I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
