I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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