Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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