I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
