He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
