I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
