and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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