I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
