Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
