whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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