We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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