@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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