omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
