my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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