you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
