I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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