i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
