Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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