Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i will never coherently bang her
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
