I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
