I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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