don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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